lesson #50: Everyone is different..

honestly, three years ago, i wouldn't imagine myself writing this..

why?
cuz i was one proud, self-righteous, and judgmental jerk (tho i was about to write b****rd).. and though i might not've shown it obviously, now that i look back upon myself, i can see it rather plainly.. and hell, it looks gross..

well, what was it like?
mm.. i usually kept myself cool, calm, n confident (the triple C.. this was a tagline for some cigarette ad).. the reason was so that i would look secure, independent, and blameless.. i wanna be someone people respect.. i dun wanna say things that aren't intelligent lest they think of me otherwise.. i appear good in front of everyone..

and?
and they don't know that inside, i thought of myself as one of the best.. that others should act the way i expect them too.. they should talk smart or keep their mouths shut.. stop acting childishly n think deeper.. should always go the extra mile n make the most effort in everythin.. according to my standards..

and your point is...?
i judged others according to what i think is the right way to live.. i hated those who didn't do things my way.. and especially those who offended me in the slightest way (im ok with friends who make fun of me, but when a stranger does, i boil..really boil.. and thank God he never let me own a gun)... i evaluated people's lives according to my set of moral rules..

to make more sense, let's list down the things that once "downgraded" someone's "value" in my eyes:
- coming late for an appointment or meeting
- being a leader who doesn't "dirty his/her hands" enough while working with his/her subordinates
- not following up (to my expectations) on a commitment previously made
- physically hurting me without saying sorry straight afterwards
- making fun of me when he/she has only met me once..
- not following basic social rules, for example, when people wait to get in the MRT by standing beyond the yellow line and obstructing those coming out of the train (and unfortunately for them, i'd usually barge thru them, knock them aside, n show a cold face as i smile inside.. luckily, i was concerned somewhat about the triple C.. if not, i'd punch them right in the face)..
- etc

and you still do that?
mm.. some still kinda lingers on (like the MRT example), but im tryin to cut down on them..

and yes, ive managed to reduce many of these judgments.. (and my outward reactions to them)
and the next question would be.. how?

mm.. i'm not sure.. but i think it's a mix of the following:
- realizing how imperfect i am myself.. and being constantly reminded of that fact
- realizing that nobody can be perfect.. yet God cares anyway..
- readin my bible n realizing that God can work thru people who are a lot worse than i thought..
- love covers differences.. and that's how we make friends..

realizing all this, i now treat others with a lot more love than i did before.. not perfect yet, of course, but i'd call it an improvement.. i don't judge people (especially strangers) as fast as i did last time.. i no longer impose my personal standards in other people's lives without knowing who they are beforehand.. and i've learnt a little of how to present constructive feedback with love and patience other than talking behind people's back.. i've also become more sensitive about gossiping, realizing that i should talk about other people if it is constructive or corrective other than for mere expression of feelings..

and i'm thankful i've realized all this..

well, up until now, that's where my reflection ends.. maybe i'll still figure out more things about myself.. hopefully, though, the more i learn, the more i can change myself to become who i'm meant to be..

Everyone is different. Love them all, but treat them uniquely.

lesson #49: A crush is an opportunity... to train self-control

i've lived for 22 years now.. nearly 23..
and in that many years, i realized that as a guy, i've liked many girls.. "crushes", they call it..
they're exciting at 1st.. i feel attraction n enthusiasm.. that rush of happiness when i see the girl.. and further excitement on what to do so that i can have a longer time with her..
well, until you realize she ain't the one for you..

haha.. maybe you guys know it too..
i think it's only human to feel that attraction for the opposite sex..

so what's the matter?

well, sensing that i might get married somewhere down these 10 years, i tried to learn as much as i can about how i can find "the one" and prepare for the next step.. and as much as i've read from books, sought advice from my parents and others, and reflected myself, i came to my conclusion that as for me - with all my circumstances - this is not the right time for me to commit to any serious man-woman relationship..

(digressing a little.. i jus realized a possible reason why boy-girl relationships don't sound that accurate.. mm.. maybe cuz serious relationships ain't meant for boys n girls.. they're meant for those adults who think, act, and have responsibility capabilities like adults.. men n women.. )

and...
comin back..

so i set my mindset that i will not enter a serious relationship until i'm 27 years old..
funny? strange? well, i can defend my case with living evidence of people who have raised brilliant God-fearing families.. and though a start does not determine the end, a good start in marriage might help ease the following years of marriage..

(marriage in my definition means somethin like the committed unity between a man and a woman in front of God and society.. )

so now i think God wants me to do (a LOT of) other things other than a serious relationship.. and i feel peace with myself although i see many friends have sought out to find their partners since some time ago.. (honestly, i don't think they're all wrong.. well. i shouldn't judge people, anyway..)

the important thing is, i'm ok with my status right now..

but there's a problem: my crushes still come.. and go..

and because i'm a Christian, i started lookin for answers by askin the one who might know things: GOD.. (well, if He doesn't know, hell, i don't know who does..)

WHY do i still have crushes? If i'm meant to pursue relationships later in life, WHY am i feeling all these things? Are they real? Are they right? Are they normal? Cuz if they are, then WHY is GOD putting all these temptations around me? Is this a want or a need? Does He have fun seein me deprive myself of somethin?

after about a year of askin this intensely, i figured i might've gotten an answer..

so this is what i think:

1. Having a "crush" is normal.. well, at least for guys, cuz that's the only viewpoint i can see from.. it makes me human.. it means i have emotions n feelings.. it means i need people n that i'm attracted to the opposite sex.. in fact, it's kinda beautiful cuz you realize that life becomes a lot more interesting with the presence of emotions..

2. Since it is normal, a "crush" will not stop once i marry someone.. i've asked married people, and yes, they still feel an attraction to people other than their spouses.. hence, marriage isn't gonna erase crushes anyway.. it's there for forever..

3. Since crushes can surface at any time in our lives on earth, i jus gotta live with it, even through my marriage in the future.. now this means that during my marriage, i must live with it ("crushes") and control myself from expressing my feelings about it or acting upon it.. this is probably done by diverting more attention to my spouse.. and driven by my love and commitment for my wife.. (with the ring as a reminder).. the thing is, i don't know how this love works.. so i'll continue to check on that..

4. Since i'm gonna have to control my feelings (and crushes) in my marriage in the future, then maybe the present crushes are my opportunities to train myself in the area of self-control.. i'd like to use the term "suppressing my feelings" but i've also realized that suppressing feelings might be like storing up emotions in a piggybank: once full, it might crack.. so maybe i outta channel that energy to other things that might benefit other people and myself.. hence train myself to disperse "crush energy" - which might come in handy when i'm already livin with my beloved wife..
(well, that's assumin you're gonna get married..)

well...
so there it is..
the answer to my own questions..

and as much as i gotta live with the hurt whenever i know i can't act upon my crush, i can at least know that i'm doin it so that later on in life, i'll be used to doin it when i've made a commitment to love "that one woman in my life"...

A crush is an opportunity to train self-control. If you know how to handle it now, you'll probably know how to handle it later on in life.

lesson #48: Receiving is a part of giving..

many of us might have been taught to give.. and give freely..
is it bad? nope, i don't think so..
and as polite as i can be, i try to as giving as i can afford..

but there's one thing i forgot while i was doing this..
i forgot to receive..

for many years, i tried to be as humble and polite as possible.. when people offer to give me things (a treat, sweets, chocolates, gifts, or anything) - even help - i often politely rejected them, thinkin that i don't wanna bother them.. the reason makes sense, it even sounds good..

but i realized it ain't so right, after all..

1st, behind that reason, i realized that it wasn't so much about bothering people.. it was about my pride.. i didn't wanna receive from anyone so that i don't owe anything to anyone.. i don't wanna be dependent on other people.. i wanna prove myself that i can survive this life alone, without help from anyone else.. that i don't need anyone.. it was pride, not so much concern.. after some thought, i realized that receiving something implies that i am willing to take part in someone else's sacrifice and a declaration that someone else has (been allowed to) become a part of my life.. hence, receiving might actually be a form of humility..

2nd, in many cases, the fact that someone has offered help implies that he/she have already thought about it in the first place and considered that the offer was worth his/her bother.. so most of the time, the excuse of "bothering someone" is invalid.. cuz the offerer has already calculated that before making the offer to give or to help..

3rd, in some cases, rejecting a gift or an offer of help can be quite insulting, especially if the help was insisted and sincere.. because it implies that i didn't consider that gift worthy enough to accept.. example? if my aunt offers me her own handmade cookies at her house.. or if i am visiting a friend's place and was offered to join them for dinner.. and many other circumstances.. so i must really be quick to read situations like these..

4th, and i would say, one of the most important considerations for those who have passed through my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd point:
HOW CAN ANYONE LEARN HOW TO GIVE IF NO ONE IS WILLING TO RECEIVE?
for example, simple things like when a friend offers to treat me for a meal or a drink..

in this i have to remind myself that receiving help or offers can sometimes help to teach people how to give.. but of course, i still need to give even more than what i receive, in order to keep myself a credible example of giving..

so while we give continually n freely, let us receive too.. if we give more and we learn to receive from others, wouldn't the world be a better place?

Receiving is a part of giving - giving up our pride. How can anyone learn how to give if we aren't humble enough to receive?

lesson #47: Find your calling...

what am i doin? good question..
what on earth am i doin? an even better question..

so maybe that question ain't supposed to be left unanswered anyway.. maybe there IS an answer.. and one that you'd wanna know..

well, most of this came from a talk with my Dad.. about life.. my life.. and how i'm livin it..

the most important thing i did in my life was knowin God.. and the next important thing i gotta do is probably be to find my calling.. my purpose here n now.. my purpose of life given where i am, what i know, who i live with today.. i'm sorry if this sounds confusing, but i can't help it.. if life ever felt boring, it's probably cuz we ain't livin life as we were meant to..

and everyone's different.. so maybe what people think is boring might not have to be boring for me.. and the other way around.. so maybe i gotta find my own track n stop tryin to fit my wheels into someone else's rail track..

the tough thing is, life goes on, and time goes forward.. this second is gone once the next has come.. and time ain't reversible.. this means, from time to time, my calling may change.. and i gotta keep following where it goes..

interestingly, the search for a calling is undoubtedly a search for The Creator Himself and what He wants for my life.. if i have learned anythin highly important this past one month, it'd be that life is short.. the Earth has been here for a while.. there were people who lived before me.. there are people who'll continue to live after i die.. only one has been here from the start and will stay til the end.. and that'd be God.. (for those who don't believe in God, u'd at the very least still believe that u would not outlive the sun, moon, earth, or the stars.. )

the point is, life is friggin short..
and it'd be damn good if i could say "Vini, vidi, vici" in this life.. but it's definitely a lot easier said than done.. cuz i'd usually pass the "vini" part but get choked right after "vidi" and too beat to reach "vici"...

to create a possibility of winning a game, at least i gotta know what game i'm in.. to actually win it, i might have to find the game that i can win in, in the first place.. in life, maybe it's time for us to find our own ace game - and let others find theirs..

Find your calling. It's probably the next best thing you gotta do after knowin God.

lesson #46: "When i was young and stupid" goes on til i die...

Back awhile ago i went back home to Indonesia.. and of course, friends and places reminded me of memories that are forever sketched in my mind.. some made me giggle, thinkin of how young n stupid i was.. until i realized that i might not have moved on from that state...

i, like other guys, had my fair share of crushes n all.. and, like other guys, i acted upon them automatically - or so i would say.. interestingly, once i've managed to knock myself conscious in the middle of these kind of "problems", i've realized that i tend to repeat the things i've done in the past - the things i've considered stupid and the things i've laughed about myself... looks like i gotta learn somethin from donkeys...

since the paragraph above might not be effective into puttin things into context, i might as well mention a few things about myself.. and maybe, u'd get the idea... (for the guys, this might jus be a refresher..)

when i had (i don't dare use a present tense lest i put myself in awkward situations) a crush, i (think that i) usually:
- try my luck n appear at (normal) locations where i can get a glimpse of her (stalking??..mmm.. not really, i think..)
- try to find out about the girl in my free time (c'mon, she might not be the love of my life anyway..)
- try to make subtle contact with the her (ok, she's gotta be someone i know, right?)
- if i dun know the girl, then it'll jus be eye contact... (makes sense, no?..)
- start writin wat i feel n think in my diary.. (alright, i've got my own personal diary, so wat?..)
- play the thoughts in my head when i'm daydreamin..
- calculate the odds of somethin serious happenin between me n her... if it's likely to get serious, i'd usually pull out.. if it ain't gonna be significant, then i usually go on to make a (stupid) unpredictable move, hopin it would beat those romantic catch-phrases in the movies.. (sometimes it works, sometimes it don't, but i'd have nothin to lose...)
- end up bein jus friends...

and man, i sounded damn predictable... trust me, this cycle had been repeated about half a dozen times.. (or more?).. anyway, the point is, i've only realized this sometime about a month ago.. and only then did i manage to break the cycle somewhere before i did somethin stupid.. and it was really interesting to realize that u can sometimes be sorta unconscious while u're awake - and more importantly, before u make a mistake..(and that might jus be the right time to bail out...)

"When i was young and stupid" goes on til i die.. Maybe we outta be more conscious of what we're doin - jus so we don't make the same mistake unconsciously.

lesson #45: Gentle words can make a difference...

holidays're in and for those who ain't flyin back to their homelands, we've found ways to spend the time together in Singapore... one of them involves goin over to one of our rooms n havin (legal) fun, like playin Risk n sippin a little mix of gin n juice...

we were laughin, shoutin, and a lotta excitement (the gin didn't make us drunk, luckily...).. this we did with so much fun until we didn't realize the time showed 0130hours... and sadly, we forgot that we ain't the only ones livin in a hall... some people ain't "alive" at such unhealthy hours...

expected yet unanticipated, the night guard on patrol knocked on my friend's room door... Crap, i told myself.. (the last time this happened, the guard was such a jerk i was so pissed i wished i could pounce on him n beat the living hell outta him..) ..

but that night was different...

the guard didn't yell.. he didn't put on a Punch-me-til-i-bleed-cuz-im-sucha-jerk face... in fact, he smiled.. he politely asked us to quieten down.. cuz at the decibel levels we're producin, it seemed like we had pissed some hall residents enough for them to complain to the guard...

he asked us a favor... so that he wouldn't get another complaint..

and unlike my previous encounter, i reacted with a lot more respect for this man... i respect him for his patience n tact when dealing with rebellious post-teen-yet-not-adult-enough individuals like us, includin me...

and we ended thankin him for lettin us know our vice n he left us to our own discretion.. and trust me, i kept remindin my friends to tone down our volume.. out of respect for him..

although i've been trainin myself to use gentle words n a soft approach in dealing with people, especially strangers, that night was the first time in a long time where i was at the other end... i was the one hearin those words directed at me... and i felt the difference it made...

though dealing with different people might require different approaches, it might be possible to start with gentle words in any scenario (except in life-threatening danger)... at least when talkin to teens n adults (who - like me - don't like being told by Mr-and-Mrs-Right...)...

so who knows, using some tact n a string of gentle words are actually effective enough to get the job done...

Gentle words can make a difference. It might even make someone calm enough to listen to what you're saying.

lesson #44: The means don't justify the end...

with the holidays in, ive started gettin bored of nothin to do... and ive started using Youtube to watch Discovery Channel programmes... and one of the most interestin topic ive been watchin for these few days pertain to somethin ive jus recently considered to be quite controversial: future weapons.

as someone with interest in technology and science - tho without much of the brain capacity to achieve academic excellence in them - i found myself amazed at the amount of engineering precision n creativity in creating weapons... the bullet mechanism, the bullet and projectile, the versatility in extreme conditions.. they are the proof of technological excellence..

added to my liking for first-person-shooter (FPS) games, the extra knowledge about modern weapons and how they work intrigued me a lot.. these tools were the result of thousands of hours of effort, testing, and brainwork.. these tools were finely created for their purpose: to kill.

amazingly, it took some time until i realized that i was somewhat perverse enough to develop this interest in weapons.. it took another friend of mine to tell me that i was talkin to him about a killing machine.. i was actually intrigued by the sophisticated mechanism created to take another human life.. and in the background, i can barely see God squinting His eyes and murmuring, "Why in the world are YOU WOWed about killing off my other creation?? Are YOU any worth more than them?? I asked you to help Me save them, not kill them.."

and it hit me...

why, why am i interested in the various (and effective) ways in takin out a life of someone else? have my morals been so compromised to the point that i have no objections to killing? have i been so insensitive? have i got any love left for the rest of the world?..

i don't object to technological advancement.. most of us don't.. cuz in some way, it reveals how smart our Creator must be that we humans are such creative beings.. but then, that's how we are supposed to live, right? Creative... not Destructive...

and next time im gonna create somethin, or the next time im gonna say "Wow" to somethin, maybe i gotta figure out the ending that's supposed to follow it...

The means don't justify the end. So know what you're into.