lesson #47: Find your calling...

what am i doin? good question..
what on earth am i doin? an even better question..

so maybe that question ain't supposed to be left unanswered anyway.. maybe there IS an answer.. and one that you'd wanna know..

well, most of this came from a talk with my Dad.. about life.. my life.. and how i'm livin it..

the most important thing i did in my life was knowin God.. and the next important thing i gotta do is probably be to find my calling.. my purpose here n now.. my purpose of life given where i am, what i know, who i live with today.. i'm sorry if this sounds confusing, but i can't help it.. if life ever felt boring, it's probably cuz we ain't livin life as we were meant to..

and everyone's different.. so maybe what people think is boring might not have to be boring for me.. and the other way around.. so maybe i gotta find my own track n stop tryin to fit my wheels into someone else's rail track..

the tough thing is, life goes on, and time goes forward.. this second is gone once the next has come.. and time ain't reversible.. this means, from time to time, my calling may change.. and i gotta keep following where it goes..

interestingly, the search for a calling is undoubtedly a search for The Creator Himself and what He wants for my life.. if i have learned anythin highly important this past one month, it'd be that life is short.. the Earth has been here for a while.. there were people who lived before me.. there are people who'll continue to live after i die.. only one has been here from the start and will stay til the end.. and that'd be God.. (for those who don't believe in God, u'd at the very least still believe that u would not outlive the sun, moon, earth, or the stars.. )

the point is, life is friggin short..
and it'd be damn good if i could say "Vini, vidi, vici" in this life.. but it's definitely a lot easier said than done.. cuz i'd usually pass the "vini" part but get choked right after "vidi" and too beat to reach "vici"...

to create a possibility of winning a game, at least i gotta know what game i'm in.. to actually win it, i might have to find the game that i can win in, in the first place.. in life, maybe it's time for us to find our own ace game - and let others find theirs..

Find your calling. It's probably the next best thing you gotta do after knowin God.

lesson #46: "When i was young and stupid" goes on til i die...

Back awhile ago i went back home to Indonesia.. and of course, friends and places reminded me of memories that are forever sketched in my mind.. some made me giggle, thinkin of how young n stupid i was.. until i realized that i might not have moved on from that state...

i, like other guys, had my fair share of crushes n all.. and, like other guys, i acted upon them automatically - or so i would say.. interestingly, once i've managed to knock myself conscious in the middle of these kind of "problems", i've realized that i tend to repeat the things i've done in the past - the things i've considered stupid and the things i've laughed about myself... looks like i gotta learn somethin from donkeys...

since the paragraph above might not be effective into puttin things into context, i might as well mention a few things about myself.. and maybe, u'd get the idea... (for the guys, this might jus be a refresher..)

when i had (i don't dare use a present tense lest i put myself in awkward situations) a crush, i (think that i) usually:
- try my luck n appear at (normal) locations where i can get a glimpse of her (stalking??..mmm.. not really, i think..)
- try to find out about the girl in my free time (c'mon, she might not be the love of my life anyway..)
- try to make subtle contact with the her (ok, she's gotta be someone i know, right?)
- if i dun know the girl, then it'll jus be eye contact... (makes sense, no?..)
- start writin wat i feel n think in my diary.. (alright, i've got my own personal diary, so wat?..)
- play the thoughts in my head when i'm daydreamin..
- calculate the odds of somethin serious happenin between me n her... if it's likely to get serious, i'd usually pull out.. if it ain't gonna be significant, then i usually go on to make a (stupid) unpredictable move, hopin it would beat those romantic catch-phrases in the movies.. (sometimes it works, sometimes it don't, but i'd have nothin to lose...)
- end up bein jus friends...

and man, i sounded damn predictable... trust me, this cycle had been repeated about half a dozen times.. (or more?).. anyway, the point is, i've only realized this sometime about a month ago.. and only then did i manage to break the cycle somewhere before i did somethin stupid.. and it was really interesting to realize that u can sometimes be sorta unconscious while u're awake - and more importantly, before u make a mistake..(and that might jus be the right time to bail out...)

"When i was young and stupid" goes on til i die.. Maybe we outta be more conscious of what we're doin - jus so we don't make the same mistake unconsciously.